How to Call in Sick Like a Princess

I wussed out and had tea at the bar last night. I blame it on the Severe Lack of germ-fighting alcohol in my system that the sore throat that I've been fighting for the last week finally caught up with me last night.

This morning I woke up with something that felt like a golf ball in my throat. A sharp golf ball.

So I sent an e-mail from home to Herr MWOTH, "Maybe it's strep. I'm happy to come in to the office and discuss this and maybe wipe my germy fingers all over your nice, new, shiny, big, glassy desk, but maybe it'd be a good idea to go to the doctor and gets a diagnosis, first?"

And he wrote back, "Stay home and get better."

Aw, look who's turning into a kitten! (Kitten has fangs, folks. Don't let your guard down.)

So I called my doctor, and the receptionist was all, "Oh, we're booked. The earliest we can get you in is 4:15 on Friday."

Uh.

I'm sick NOW, lady. Not four days from now. And I do not intend to juggle my razor-laden golf ball in my throat for 96 hours. Fuck that, I'm going to the urgent care clinic. So off I went.

The doctor at the clinic turned out to be really nice, and made nice cooing, oh-you-poor-thing noises at me, and I did indeed feel very pitiful, and he took a throat culture and left me in the room while he checked on another patient. (Who complained very loudly through the Not-Thick-Enough-At-ALL walls that it hurt when he peed and there was some funny discharge on his. um. wee wee?)

Sick sick sickity sick sick sick.

I tried to ignore it and focus on the sage-green walls, and prayed that the doctor washed his hands in scalding hot water with the most antibacterial-ist soap ever, before coming back to see me.

Verdict: I do not have strep, after all.

I have pharyngitis. A virus, for which there is no cure, just cough drops to ease the razored-golf-ball-pain. But, I DID get a little medical insider knowledge into the world of cough drops. Apparently most cough drops are not much more than candy, with the active ingredient being "menthol." As in, what goes into your toothpaste. The Top Secret Ingredient that you want, if you want real throat-pain-relief is BENZOCAINE. Who knew? So I scoured the entire cough drop section (and there IS an entire SECTION) at the supermarket, and found THIS product. The only one with the active ingredient of BENZOCAINE. The doc also gave me some steroids, so hopefully I'll get nice and buff while anethetisizing my throat.

Then I called The Funasaurus in my most oh-I'm-so-ill-your-love-is-all-I-have voice, and he invited me out to a sushi lunch.

Score.

Now I am playing on the computer at home. No fever, numb throat, belly full of raw fish. Really, this is the only way to be sick.

Have a nice day at work, y'all!