Thursday, December 08, 2011

Can You Put Kale in Jello Shots?

Things that have been going on:

1) Our vet told us to feed our cats more wet food. A lot more wet food. Apparently new research says that because it's closer to their natural food source (all relative, I suppose, since that meat-like mush doesn't really resemble any natural meat I've ever encountered, but I suppose more so than pellet-shaped kibble) it's better for their bodies. They're finding that this generation of cats is dying from/with completely dehydrated kidneys and livers, because apparently cats, being desert creatures, get most of their water from food-based substances as opposed to drinking fluids directly. So if you feed a cat kibble all the time, they don't necessarily compensate by drinking more water like a human or even dog would. I expressed concerns over Tatum's growing mid-section, and the vet assured me that cats are very self-regulating with wet food, it's miraculous almost, cats who need more nutrients eat more, cats who need to lose weight actually eat less.

So swung by PetSmart, sorry for the years of unintentional feline kidney neglect, and bought an obscene amount of high-end wet cat food.

Sugar, naturally, refuses to eat it. Give her Fancy Feast, or she shall starve herself.

Tatum, meanwhile, missed whatever self-regulation memo the vet was referring to, and has ballooned out to epic proportions. It would be funny if it wasn't quite so quick and swelling-y. I have to monitor him like crazy, because it took me a while to figure out Sugar wasn't eating her food because Tatum would inhale his, then mainline hers while I just thought everyone was eating a proper amount, tra-la, and why was Tatum so much fatter?

2) Miss Thang is awesome, and smart, and talkative, and already cornering me with her toddler logic, and that is kind of scary. So we are starting to discuss preschools, which leads to an even scarier issue of what the fuck shall I be when I grow up, for Martha Stewart-ing isn't really my gig. I love being at home with my kid, but just ask The Funasaurus about how many gourmet meals he gets a week (whereupon he shall laugh in your face) or stop by and see just how tidy our little home isn't. Stay-at-home mom = yes, housewife = no. Since one cannot be much of a stay-at-home mom if one sends one's Miss Thang to preschool, one might oughtta procure oneself a job.

3) I have been looking into the paleo diet a little. Not much, because I basically live off of cheese and carbs and sugar (and wine, which either is composed of or goes well with the aforementioned) and none of those are very paleo-approved. But this video

posted recently by an old bloggy-friend on Facebook, really got me reconsidering. My compromise is that I am trying to eat a LOT more leafy greens daily. This is hard, because besides some basic romaine and occaisonally spinach, I don't really like leafy greens. Kale and chard and blah de blah farmer's market stuff is too bitter for my taste. But I am trying. I try to dress it up with balsamic, which again, not so paleo, but it's going to be a slow transition, if at all. It's at least better than what my diet was, I figure.

That's about it. We are getting ready for the holidays. I am glad we don't have to travel. We are hosting our annual New Year's party, so if you're in town, looking for a party with awesome 90s hip-hop, please come by and check out my feeble attempts at something Martha Stewart-y in the form of fancy-schmancy jello shots.

Mwah, darlings.

Thursday, November 03, 2011

Love Out There

Uhg. That's three. I know these things happen in three, so I'm hoping that's it for a while, that with the holidays comes some good news. I've had three different friends come out with three very different but very sad pieces of news in the last few days. I am trying to get some perspective, to appreciate my world as it is right now, and all the people in it. Lots of love to everyone everywhere. And a bit of extra love to one Shooting Star in particular.

Sorry to be elusive, but thanks for reading, and if you want to send a little love out to the universe tonight, I think it would be well-received.

On a lighter note, my current deep dark secret is that I LOVE the Christmas stuff. I know it is not yet Thanksgiving, I know there are lots of funny cartoons about turkeys giving Santa the what-fors these days. But honestly, I took Miss Miss to the mall today, and she was entranced by the Christmas trees. We admired them for quite a while, in toddler-time. (Thank goodness Santa wasn't there yet.) And her joy was contagious. It was so exciting, and we were both giddy, talking about Christmas trees, reindeer, snowmen, and jingle bells. Speaking of, I played Christmas carols the other day while it was snowing, and we both sang "LET IT SNOW" at the top of our lungs, Miss Thang at least is able to carry a bit of a tune. I'm ready. 'Tis the season for a bit of good times, already. Angela, at least I know you're with me.

Tuesday, November 01, 2011


Halloween was awesome this year. Miss Thang kind of understood about pumpkins and costumes and GETTING CANDY. I figured we'd hit a couple neighbors, she'd think it was interesting, then we'd come home and have some wine with the grandparents who were obligingly mulling some cheap red while we trick-or-treated. I underestimated Miss Thang's enthusiasm. We hit the whole neighborhood, "More trick-or-treat, o.k.?!" Ok, sweet baby. But hustle. Mommy's treat is cooling off rapidly back at home.

We came home and let her go nuts, which is to say she consumed a Kit-Kat, two Reeses cups, and a blue lollipop, which was the highlight. She was totally overstimulated and crazy on the sugar, but that's what Halloween is about, right? Excessive indulgence in high fructose corn syrup. (Until I read this. This made me sad. I will attempt my fair-trade part next year. sigh.)

Miss Thang eventually went to bed (with a neon blue tongue) and I finished off my wine. Miss Thang woke up promptly at 6:0-something this morning, demanding candy. Then had a full-on temper tantrum when I told her no. Seriously made me consider having a similar fit for some of my wine. Then I realized perhaps we were both bordering on an unhealthy habit as it was not even yet light out, let alone 5:00 somewhere. So we had yogurt and french toast and went out for a play date, where we both acted like we were hungover. So I took us to Target and got us both sunglasses. We be hip, though we be cranky.

I'm headed to Albuquerque this weekend to see a good friend and her new baby...all by myself. The Funasaurus will be spending his first weekend alone with Miss Thang. I think we are all ready. I will warn him not to give her (much) candy, and I feel he will be more or less prepared.

Happy November, blog world.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Why Don't I Just Go to Bed? I Haz Important Schtuff to Sayz! (Not Really.)


Getting the first snow of the season here, and Facebook can't shut up about it. Seriously, it's mid-October. This is not unusual, but anyone who lives anywhere near here must post something pertaining to the weather. I realize that, despite avoiding Facebook, I am now just as guilty for posting something on my blog.

Hey world, you already know this, but it's snowing in Colorado! Still! As predicted! Foretold, and continuing to be told via any social network you should choose to subscribe to, plus I just don't want it to go crazy until The Funasaurus gets home.

* * * * *

I have discovered Pinterest. Fuck me now, I did not need another way to kill time on the internets. I'm so addicted.

* * * * *

Little child-interaction tip from me to you, if a parent (say, me) asks their child (say, Miss Thang) something asinine like "What sound does a train make?" do not jump in and say, "CHOO-CHOO! Miss Thang, does a train say choo-choo?" Uh, yes. Thanks. I'm so glad YOU know what sound a train makes. That's exactly why I asked. And the reason Miss Thang is now staring at you blankly is because she knows that you have already answered the question. There is no reason for her to go on with this silly trick.

This kind of thing happens more regularly than you'd think. Give a parent a little credit, odds are good we're not going to ask our kid a question like that if we aren't fairly certain they'll be able to answer correctly. We tend to like to make our kids look good. We also expect that you, as kind-of well-adjusted adult already know the answer to such a thing.

* * * * *

Enough snark. Most people are lovely to my lovely child and all is well. Also, I sleep a little more these days, so = happy, except I would sleep a lot more if it weren't for Pinterest. Darn you, brilliant, brilliant web of everything mind-numbing thing I could ever want to look at. So pretty it makes the minutes on the clock tick by magically fast.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

My Brain Has Exploded Just a Little

I'm pretty lame these days, which is whyfor the lack of writing. HEY INTERNETS, I WIPED UP MORE POOP TODAY! Woot woot.

Miss Thang is awesome, but we are still struggling with sleep. It comes and goes. Right now it's basically gone, and I am pretty sure that as of tonight, I've snapped. Hence the 3:00 AM posting. I haven't slept yet tonight, so after four hours of sporadically lying in bed (mixed in with getting up to get the baby [is she a baby still? She's practically two]) every 45 minutes or so) I decided to get the fuck up out of bed and troll the internet for new entertainment (FOUND) and maybe write a blog post. Here I am! Taking advantage of my sleep deprivation to check in with the ol' computer.

Boy, am I going to be a joy to be around tomorrow!

I wish I had exciting news for you, but I don't. Our recent weeks have involved a quick trip to Michigan, wherein we had a nice time and Miss Thang's tenuous sleep routine was smashed to hell. Then we came home and re-found a semblance of a routine and then Miss Thang got a cold and said routine got re-smashed to hell. Also, doctor visits with a kid whose long-term memory is developed just enough to remember shots.

Um. I've tried to make a few pies with varying amounts of success this summer. Any attempts at Martha Stewart-ing were completely undone by the state of my kitchen after those forays into baking. Also it turned out that neither The Funasaurus nor Miss Thang like pie, so I ate a lot of pie myself. The lack of non-maternity pants that still fit indicate that perhaps my next foray should be salads. With no dressing or bacon bits.

That's about it for now. Off to have myself a little dance party with iTunes set on SUPER UBER LOW so that one toddler does not wake again, since sleep still eludes.

I am sorry I am not funnier. I will try again before another month goes by. Did you clink on the link up there? That will make up for all my lack of funny. Seriously. Here's another. CLICK!

Monday, August 01, 2011

Justification, Presented as Catching Up

Hi. I realized I skipped July there. I'm guessing I didn't have time to blog because I spent a lot of time cleaning up summer-related things, a la popsicles, sand, mud, chalk, sunscreen, and chardonnay. Happily, chardonnay does not stain as much as winter-related wine.

I decided to stay home with Miss Thang. No more work. There's even been a lull in the freelance stuff I was doing, and I am more than fine with it. I've come to the realization that I don't have as much energy as the rest of the world seems to have. I am too tired at the end of the day to cram in everything I'd need to do if I were to go back to work. I made it happen before, but at a price. I sucked at my job, I sucked at parenting, and our hangers rotted in our (un-vacuumed) closet as our clothes rotated between various laundry baskets and heaps on the floor. Somehow other families (let's be honest, women) manage to do it all. I don't know how. I admire them. I would like to be them. But if I have the luxury to choose between getting it all but sucking at it, or picking one and doing well, then I pick hanging out with my daughter. Enter: endless popsicle cleaning. I am not bored. I am aware that plenty of people would be, but it takes all kinds, right? I am settling into the fact that I am not so deep and think-y as I thought I was. And I get I'm lucky to have the choice. It's been the right one.

Enough about ME. How are you, blog-land?

Thursday, June 30, 2011


I have a decision to make in the next 24 hours. To go back to work or not to go back to work, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to brave the slings and arrows of outrageous Excel spreadsheets or take arms against a sea of laundry; and by opposing end them? To die: from lack of sleep.*

But hey! Paycheck! That'd be nice.

Meanwhile I'm enjoying the heck out of the summer. Miss Thang and I went for coffee this morning. Specifically, I sipped a decaf latte in the shade while she tried to eat bird feathers off the patio floor. Extra protein, yes? She wouldn't eat any of the bits of breakfast burrito I offered her. Picky eating is a fickle thing.

We've also started dance classes, which are a hoot. I realize that by dressing her in the most ridiculous, gauzy pink thing that Target sells and forcing her to learn to curtsey she will inevitably refuse to wear anything but black and brood in dark places where there is no blasphemous dancing, but right now I'm bigger so I get to call the shots. And outfits. And it is so freakin' cute it's worth it.

Also, my friends are all having babies again. We are not on that train, but I am super excited for everyone who will someday get to dress their darling in gauzy pink things that will set the groundwork for their wee one's future therapy sessions. It's really super fun after they get past the squishy, cry-y, don't-really-sleep phase. (And a special, huge welcome to Miss EAS. Love you and your parents very much!)



* So, so sorry for the uber besmirching of your quote Mr. Shakespeare.

Thursday, June 09, 2011

Hello Again

Ooopsie, sorry to leave things hanging with that last bah-humbug-y post. Short-ish version of the story, my friend had to cancel on a very precious girls night out sans kiddos, and The Funasaurus was headed out to Ruby Tuesdays with Miss Thang to meet a friend. He offered that I should join them, but I declined. I am usually flexible, but I had my sights set on cozy wine bar, not loud, obnoxious greasy chain restaurant. (No offense to Ruby Tuesday-lovers. It's just that restaurant sucks.) So I stayed at home and nursed a bottle of Chardonnay (and by "nursed" I mean "KILLED") on the front porch and read my copy of Let's Panic About Babies, which is awesome. Also, if I lent that book to you in a drunken fit (another night) can you give it back? I didn't mean to lend it out. Drinking makes me uncharacteristically generous.

I got over myself though, and have been having more fun, which is perhaps why I haven't posted. Enjoying life apparently leaves less time for blogging. I took Miss Thang on a trip to visit relatives and friends back east all by m'self. It wasn't as hard as everyone made it out to be, although I certainly missed my Funasaurus, and you can bet I all but threw the baby at him when I saw him at the airport. Turns out eleven days of being completely and totally out of your comfort zone and routine is about four days too long for my toddler. Who'd have guessed? (Hint: not this superstar mom.) Otherwise, though, trip = pretty awesome, and Miss Thang, all things considered (including ironically-said superstar mom) handled herself exceptionally well.

Now we're back, busting into summer, battling over the kiddie pool, sunscreen, and wake-up times. Turns out I suck because I won't let her get up with the sun at 5:15 A-freakin-M every day. WASTING PRECIOUS SUMMERTIME, THANKS MOOOOOM.

Ahhh, good to be back.

Saturday, May 07, 2011

That Is All

At least I'm not at fucking Red Robin.

Explanation to come when I'm more friendly and less drunk.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

This May Have Just Happened

I am tired and sitting at the computer when I should be asleep. But I don't want to go downstairs and deal with the dishes and cat litter and everything else that needs dealing with before I can sleep. I passively had the thought that I could eat something dessert-y as another means of procrastinating the bedtime routine, and then I thought about how tired I was, and how my skin is really breaking out and I thought, "You know, chocolate doesn't even SOUND good right now. Honestly what sounds better than any chocolate is a nice tall glass of water and a handful of raspberries. That would be so much more satisfying."

Then I realized some hippie demon must have taken over my brain and I dove headfirst into the bag of pastel-colored M&Ms that we are/were saving for Miss Thang's Easter basket.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Where I Provide the W(h)ine

It's been kind of a shitty week, starting with a stomach virus that someone aptly named "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride Through My Digestive Track." Add the bonus element of a toddler who is going through a bit of a clingy phase and insists on sitting on your (my) lap at all times, including the toilet. That's fun.

(I re-read these sentences sometimes and have to wonder if I'm trying to drive away any remaining readership.)

Today I was finally feeling better, so I took Miss Thang for a walk. Halfway to the park, I bent to see if she was o.k., and my phone jumped JUMPED out of my fucking pocket and hopped like a cheap-ass Samsung Easter Bunny into a waste water drain. Naturally last night we had our annual April snowstorm, so the melt had raised the current in said drain, and my phone is so very, very gone.

I kept it together until I got home. Facebook should reunite me with most of the contacts I had in that phone. What is killing me is the loss of a couple of photos and videos. (Well, hundreds of photos and videos, but a few in particular.) I would describe them here, but it will only make me cry again, and I am out of ice cream.

Tangentially: Colorado now carries Blue Bell ice cream! Happily, my stomach has recovered enough from the flu that I ate a pint to assuage my heartache.

I am clearly in a foul mood, but I am sick of seeing that last post. So, here are some unrelated things to take up some space.

New verbiage in our house:

Torny: One part horny, one part tired, full-on feeling of torn-ness. Sadly, The Funasaurus and I often fall on different sides of the torny coin. But it's fun to talk about it in stupid married people code!

MOON! ELMO!: Brought to you by Miss Thang, talking about her favorite YouTube clip. Skip to 1:09. Now imagine me and Miss Thang getting our MOONELMO on.

Things I Do That I Did Not Think I Would Ever Do Pre-Daughter:

1) Share my ice cream

2) Inspect someone else's poop

3) MOONELMO dance sober

4) Fear six-year-old boys and their un-looking-where-they're-going ways

5) And, you know, let someone else wear the tiara around here

Friday, February 25, 2011

Setting the Bar Low

Uhg. I just went back and re-read that last post. It came off a lot more my-kid's-leg-may-be-broken,-but-hey-at-least-I'm-pretty! than I meant it to. I was going more for an I'm-trying-not-too-be-too-Debbie-Downer-here, but I think that got lost in translation. There's a large margin of error in my brain these days.

I was tempted to delete it, but I'm weirdly compulsive about leaving the blog ALONE once something is posted. It feels like cheating to go back and edit once I've decided to share things with the world. So I am telling myself that post is what I get to look back on, once I get back in my groove (I suppose that assumes I was ever once in a groove to begin with) and can measure just how far I've come. Baby, I sincerely hope you'll go a long way from that.

In happier news, Miss Thang just got a new friend today. Welcome to the world, little Baby B! I KNEW, KNEW, KNEW you were a girl. And I can't wait to see the little woman you become. We love you already.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Never Been Great at Balancing

The good news is: no bones appear to be broken. The bad news is I had a very I-suck-as-a-mom-week, wherein we had to make a little venture over to the local pediatric urgent care after Miss Thang had a little mishap on the playground. The other bad news is I don't think human x-rays are going to be any cheaper than feline x-rays. I am quick buying chocolate now before I get the bill, which will hopefully sustain me through paying off the bill. (Or, at least, through Saturday.) Also, I have learned my daughter is way tougher than I am. For that, I am eternally grateful.

Um. What else. I've decided to have a good body image. This may or may not be the result of some serious, Glamour Magazine-reading-taken-to-heart fueled by extreme anxiety and chardonnay. This is a good alternative to Ambien, no? With that: I am feeling pretty hot. I am skinnier than I was pre-pregnancy via exactly no exercise. I credit breastfeeding, genetics, and dumb luck. My boobs are smaller, which is actually a good thing, because it means I can buy shirts that actually fit the rest of my torso. I am well past 30 and have had a baby, which means I have given myself permission to stop caring about a tiny bit of not-flat-belly. I am not planning on being on a Mardi Gras float or participating in a wet t-shirt contest in Daytona over spring break, that was never really my scene even pre-30 and pre-baby. Given that it's winter, I will go ahead and let people assume that I have fabulous abs underneath this yummy sweater and turtleneck. Also I'm wearing skinny jeans. Because I am not ever going to wear mom jeans. Ever.

Also, I sing better than I ever have, I credit thousands of verses of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and "Down" by Jay Sean, because those are Miss Thang's two favorite songs. She sings along to both. Seriously, toddler "DOWN DOWN!" is the cutest rendition of that song ever. I need to get a video posted....

So that's the yin-yang of my week. Paragraph 1: I suck, Paragraph 2/3: I rock. Also, still not great at technology.


Tuesday, February 22, 2011

If I Clean Does That Mean It's Spring?

I just went through my old blog roll (does one still call it such a thing? Am I dating myself as a blogger of 2007?) and did a little cleaning. My very strict decision-making process involved two criteria:

1) Do I still read the blog?

2) Has this person posted in the past year? / Do I even know this person outside of the blogosphere? (Again with the dated blog-talk.)

Almost everything I got rid of fell under #2. I'm happy to re-add a blog if it starts up again. I just wanted things to look tidier on this page. Are they tidy?

Who am I kidding, I don't really have a tidy bone in my body. But since I'm trying to stage my little comeback, I thought I'd get rid of some dead weight. Blog-a-karmic-burden or something. See? New blog lingo. I believe that one hasn't even been Twittered yet.

Speaking of, though, I do think social media has reached it's tipping point, and the world of blogs, Facebook, Twitter, and everything else the kids are doing these days is going to get a little slower but smarter. I think the inane, every-40-second-update-on-my-state-of-boredom is on its way out. (A princess can hope, anyway.) I've seen some good blogs fall away, but more of the rough ones are gone, so that was a worthwhile trade-off. My Facebook feed has slowed way down, partly due to my finally discovering how to block fucking Farmville updates, but also because of less boredom updates: see above. I haven't really been able to get into Twitter, so I can't speak to that, but I'm guessing people are getting a little stricter about who they are choosing to follow, rather than trying to keep up with everybody in the world re-tweeting whatever Perez Hilton has to say today.

At least, I have. I've all but quit Twitter, but sometimes one or two friends say something funny on there so I try to go in and check every other week or so. And I only check from my phone. While I'm pontificating, I think smart phones are the only things saving Twitter.

Thus I spake.

Meanwhile I have reintroduced chardonnay to my lifestyle. You were so missed, old friend. You may also be the reason that I could give a hoot about Twitter anymore (damn buttons are so damn small on my phone) but make me want to write again. Clearly I have some work to do, but you have to start somewhere, right?


Am I allowed to drink in a socially acceptable way before 5:00 if all of my writing has to occur over Miss Thang's naptime?

Monday, February 21, 2011

Rah Rah Veteranarian!

Clearly I check my own blog a lot. Didn't even realize that last post had a missing link. (For, what, two months? whoopsies.) 'Tis fixed! Makes a lot more sense now. I like how I replaced writing with linking to mildly humorous YouTube videos for a while there. That's kind of cheating.

What? No, this is totally different. It's informative.

So, I've been struggling with writing because I don't really know what to write about except leaky toddler noses and strong opinions on car seat brands (not really), but I don't really want to be a mommy blogger, so I just quit blogging altogether. Also I was a little tired and having trouble finding uninterrupted computer time. My keyboard responds not so well to juice and markers, it turns out.

Lo, Tatum once again saves the day for all of us by reverting to his goat-like tendancies and eating a rubber band, thus necessitating an emergency surgery one fateful Tuesday night and giving me lots to cry about as well as hey! Non-baby blog fodder! Once I wiped away the tears, received the bill, wiped away a shit-ton more tears, and got the 30-some staples removed from his belly, I felt I had recovered enough to share the story.

So. That was kind of the story. Kitty intestines = not big enough for rubber bands. Take note. Also, cats get depressed when forced to wear a cone for two weeks and are prohibited from running and jumping (Let's see YOU try to keep a cat from running and jumping for a fortnight. It involves sedative drugs and MAGIC and possibly tape.) The sweet part of this otherwise-melodramatic story is that Miss Thang is truly near and dear to Tatum's heart, because he finally purred for the first time since he was taken to the kitty hospital once he got home and Miss Thang was allowed her first supervised visit to his little quarantined area, and got all up in his face and said "HI!"

I'm just the one who brought him his favorite food at the cat hospital after surgery, and sat by his drugged up head, and left my coat for him to snuggle in, despite the fact that it was sub-zero temperatures outside. Whatev. He loves my baby. That is a mother's love. I'm not even jealous he purred for her first. (much.)

So the story has a happy ending, Tatum appears to be back to his normal self. Miss Thang continues to love on him. I continue to love on them both, as well as Sugar and The Funasaurus. (Who lost a bunch of weight last year and has kept it off and looks hawt, btw.)

I don't get the patio set I had my eye on, they aren't giving away midnight x-rays and cat surgeries these days. ... Actually... now that I'm adding it up... I don't get several patio sets. Blerg. But it was worth it. Our odd little family is happily together again, and the cats can just watch us eat picnic style on a plastic tablecloth all summer. It'll be easier to wash up, anyway.