Thursday, November 16, 2006

The Queen Mother

Yesterday I had lunch with my parents. It was nice, we get along, mostly, and I score some free food and time outside the office. Yet no matter where we are or when we meet, I revert to a younger, crazier version of myself, especially in front of my mother. I can't even help it, it's like I become possessed by my psychotic, the-world-revolves-around-me (no, seriously, it used to be even worse than it is, now) -*sob*-why-don't-you-take-me-seriously?-14-year-old-self.

I walk in to the restaurant and lo and behold, there is coworker, having lunch with a friend, right next to the table my parents have already scored.

Mom: Hello, sweetie!

Me: Mo-om! Don't call me that! My coworker might get ideas. (That my mother thinks I'm sweet? GOD FORBID.)

Mom: How's your day?

Me (sighing exasperatedly): I don't feel like talking about it. (About the fact that it's going just fine, thank you.)

Mom: We're down here to get our antique clock fixed.

Me: mmhmm.

Mom: And I think we might swing by the nice liquor store, to get some wine for our wine group.

Me: mmmm, wine.

Mom: You should come up and visit sometime, you can have some wine, and you could even help work on this scrapbook I have going on....

Me: AAUUGHH! I DON'T HAVE ANY TIME IN MY LIFE! GOD, DON'T PRES-SURE ME. AUUUUGHHH

Mom: No pressure. Just thought you'd like....

Me: I can't concentrate. I'm hungry.

Mom: uh. Shall we order?

Me: DON'T RUSH ME! I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE WANT, YET!

Mom: apparently decides against beating me with a plastic fork, despite her burning desire.

We: Finally order.

Mom's food: Better than mine. I help myself. She lovingly cuts pieces of lamb and pushes them to the side of the plate that's closest to me, subtly, so that I can't find a way to complain about it.

I love her. I don't know why she loves me, but I can tell you that if having children allows you to put up with such abuse for close to 30 years with no end in sight, I'm scratching "have kids" right off the to-do list. Tatum is bad enough.

6 comments:

v said...

Hah. High-larious. Your Moms sounds wonderful.

MommyHAM said...

I have that same phenomenon occur when I am with my siblings....weird how that works?

As for kids, they were never on or off my list of things to do - they, um, just sort of happened - well the first one anyhow.

daufiero said...

Thirty years?!? No end in sight!?
Pass me the oxygen!
My husband and I plan to shove them out the door at 18 and move to a tiny apartment in Manhattan. My daughter has no idea, as she told me last night that she wants to live with me forever. Instead of laughing or choking, I told her that was all right. I trust the universe.

stampydurst said...

When I was home visiting my parent's a while back, I walked out of into the living room in a pair of pajama bottoms and a grungy sweatshirt. I happened to have shoes on because I'd been out to walk the dog. My mom looked at me and exclaimed, "You're not going out like that, are you!?

Of course, I had not intention of shopping in my pj's, but the knee jerk/cut-off-the-nose-to-spite the face part of me firmly asserted, "Yes. Yes I am going out like this." Of course, there was then no way to back down without losing face. Thus, I spent the day shopping in a pair of plaid flannel drawstrings and a shapeless grey pull-over.

I'm pretty sure I was more appalled by me than was my mom.

Mama P said...

Ha ha ha. That's some funny material. Save it for a play. As for the kids thing: it breaks your heart, but then fills you up more than any publishing party with wine (been there, loved it)... more than any cat (I swear, you won't love them as much once you have kids... bitchy to say, but true) and it will even bond you more with your mom. You think you get weepy now? Wait until you are full of hormones, low on caffeine, and cradling a mini-Funasaurus in your arms. It's a ride. (Clause I give to all my friends..."But if you don't have kids, that's equally fine. No pressure. They're not for everyone. Do what's best for you!") Seriously... I have added a clause to all my bragging. Single women in their late thirties will scratch your eyes right out if you're not careful. You have time, my princess.

MommyHAM said...

Yeah...what Mama P said - so true about the clauses, lol!