Monday, November 06, 2006

My Cat Would Cut You. Cut You So Deep.

Which one of you sick monkeys found my site by googling "cat assholes"??? Dirty!

Also: Ew.

Also: I doubt you found what you were looking for when it led you to the page where I (Cat) called some tech support at a large phone company that rhymes with Dumbmast "assholes."

But seriously. Give that shit up, o.k.? There are many other ways to find happiness beyond the molestations of small, undoubtedly very unhappy and uncooperative felines.

Speaking of unhappy and uncooperative felines... The Funasaurus and I got lazy and forgot to buy the special brand of very healthy/doesn't promote cannibalism/natural ingredients cat food that I insist upon feeding our cats. Instead, we got them a cheap, PetSmart cat food because we weren't able to get to the specialty store that sells my preferred brand. (The Funasaurus refers to all this as A Major Pain in the Ass. I refer to this as a-Princess-naturally-wants-only-the-most-expensive-and-hardest-to-get-stuff. Duh.) But: Oh! Sugar and Tatum LIKE the cheap stuff. Mmmm, processed, chemically-enhanced, diseased horse meat. They practically snorted it.

The Funasaurus and I continue our lazy streak, and the cheap PetSmart stuff runs out and STILL no fancy-schmancy food. So in the grocery store I compromise and get a small bag of the supermarket version of organic pet food.

HA! Our cats are not really hippies. At all. They'd be more into Big Macs and Kraft mac & cheese, if they were human. They took one sniff of their new organic stuff and were like, "Oh hell no." Also, "Where's the meat, motherfuckers?"

Tatum, being half-goat, managed to choke some down. Because his plumpy butt needed sustenance. Sugar, meanwhile, went anorexic on us. There was lots of melodramatic feline sighing, and meowing at three o'clock in the morning. "Meow-I'm-dying-rrowoor-I-wither-meooooow-wake-up-already,assholes-and-get-my-pitiful-self-some-decent-food-*sigh.*"

Back we went to PetSmart, because the damn fancy-schmancy store that is nowhere near to anything and is also apparently closed on Sunday and Monday. Grrrr.

Sugar is back to processed horse, and we are all much happier.

I, meanwhile, decided to follow her very unhealthy example, and am polishing off the sixth bag of Halloween candy at an alarming rate, because we got crap for trick-or-treaters (SIX! Count them, SIX, and that includes the two stupid parents who thought they deserved candy, too) and were therefore left with copious amounts of good candy, which I have been using to sooth my irked nerves at the fact that Kids These Days are totally un-fun.


Pass the Whoppers, please.


MommyHAM said...

This post had me laughing out loud - seriously. Hence the written out version vs. the weak "lol."

Your cats sound suspiciously like my dog....who for some forsaken reason has become rather feline - i.e. snobbish and passive aggressive/wannabe controlling, about the whole gamut of life with us - food, staying in her kennel/dog run during the day, and other annoying crap. I told Charlie Brown the other day - "I don't care if we have had her for all of her 5 years, I WANTED A DOG, not a pussy! :wicked grin: I already have that.

I don't hate cats, really - I just like the idea of a pet who sees me as a goddess, and cats just don't.

stampydurst said...

I, too, have had some pets with some very demanding tastes. Crazy (a husky-lab mix) had always been fed the high class chow. One late evening, he got grocery store gruel. When the good stuff was returned to his diet several days later, he took one sniff and smacked the edge of his bowl with a paw sending healthy chow flying all over the sunporch. Thinking this must be an accident, I cleaned up the mess and refilled the bowl. He repeated his performance and looked at me pointedly - "I want crap! Not this healthy stuff!" Point taken (spoiled little wretch).

His successor, Willy T. (a HUGE yellow lab), had been eating science diet. The trainer told me that labs were sometimes hyper secondary to too many carbs and recommended a fish based organic dog food. Me, being the sucker that I am, went and spent a fortune on said food. I mixed it half-and-half with the old food (as directed). The little bastard managed to eat only the lamb-based food, and left every single piece of the fish food in his bowl. That's talent from a dog that could inhale a rawhide bone in 3 bites.

To make a long story longer, I feel your pain.

Anonymous said...

Wow. Your cats seem like interesting characters. I especially like the potty mouths on them, lol. Seriously, funny stuff. Though I think I have to add here that a dog would prefer the healthy food and thank you for it. Great post!

Anonymous said...

you are so funny! i don't know how you find out how people are searching for your site but your post about the sicko was hilarious and made me laugh! I put a link on my blog so other people can read what a princess has to say!!!