Thursday, February 07, 2008

Death to Squirrels

The other day The Funasaurus called me in a panic, warning me to maybe park on the street when I got home, because our garbage can was alive. Or rather, there was something alive (and, apparently, pissed off) in our garbage can.

I snorted, he never went to girl scout camp during mating season and had to contend with horny raccoons who had a taste for toothpaste in little girls’ sleepover bags. I felt confident I could handle whatever vermin were in our garage.

I got home, pulled into the garage, kicked the garbage can a couple times, and saw nothing. The Funasaurus was still suspicious, and was therefore on RED ALERT when he every time he stepped into the garage the next couple of days, whether to throw away something at the speed of light, or to make a mad dash for his car. (Baby don’t play when there’s potentially rabies involved. See also: fun-hater/salmonella-wary.) (BTW, I did not get sick from the gallon of raw cake batter I consumed, although I did get a fat, new zit on my chin.)

Sure enough, a day or so later, he swore he saw a squirrel dart out of (/into? It is unclear, it was very upsetting) our garage. I shrugged, saw him off to work, and got my own lazy ass up the stairs to the computer and spent a gleeful day working from home, because icy roads are much more terrifying to me.

Yesterday I did have to go to work, though, so I consumed a couple of mini cupcakes (really, at that size, I almost feel like they’re anti-calories. Like celery.) for breakfast, and headed off in our brand, new Civic hybrid that I love so very, very much.

A mysterious light came on, on the dashboard. And the “D” light (either for “drive” or “damn, ain’t this awesome,” I can’t be sure) started blinking. I pulled over, and fished out my owner’s manual, which was still easy to locate in the glove compartment because I have not yet had a chance to fill it up with extra tissues, flashlights, and Happy Meal Toys, that’s how new the car is. Said “mystery light” was actually the “check engine light.”


So I got myself to a dealership, and they assured me that it was probably just a fuse, or something, new cars these days, ha ha, such sensitive computers, no worries, even if something is wrong, this car is still covered by the warranty, anyway, we’ll have you back on the road in a jiffy…. He showed me to the waiting area, where they had snacks and hot chocolate. I drank their last three packets, immediately.

45 minutes later the guy came up to get me, and kept his head down and shoulders hunched, as though I were going to hit him.

“You’re not going to like what I have to tell you.”

“You’re out of hot chocolate packets?” I asked, hopefully.

“No. Er. It appears some rodent has gotten under your car and chewed the main engine wire thing-ies.” (Not a direct quote, but fairly close.) “That’s, ah, not covered by the warranty. I hope you have insurance?”

“Yes. Ish.”

“Does it cover a rental vehicle?”


“Um. Because an adjuster needs to come out and inspect this, if you want to claim it. And I really don’t think it’s safe to drive until it’s repaired.”


I called the insurance. They asked me a million questions, including the license plate number, and I had to say, “I have no idea. We still have temporary ones. It is that fucking brand new.”

I called The Funasaurus. Who had to drop some Very Important Things at work to drive all the way across the greater Denver area to come pick up my blubbering butt from the dealership in BFE. Because our insurance doesn’t cover a RENTAL VEHICLE.

The good news is that our insurance does cover the repairs, mostly, and the deductible isn’t so bad that we have to scrap our honeymoon plans, completely (knock on wood) but really. We can’t get a break with these cars. The whole point of the Very Shiny and NEW car is that you don’t have to pay for costly repairs all the time, right? Right? echo... echo... echo....


While I’m busy being Miss Fuck-It-All, I will also say that The Hunchback of Notre Dame? Serious let-down.

::Spoiler alert!::

I’ll summarize the whole damn book for you:

It’s boring boring boring.
Then it gets good, and you get attached to some of the characters.
Then he gets wordy again.
Then everyone is sad, and devastated, and killed while in the midst of realizing how unfulfilled and miserable they are. All of them. Except for, like, the one dude you couldn’t care less about.
The only redeeming quality: the goat lives.


April said...

Hey, just wanted to let you know that I made it up to the Highlands to go to Happy Cakes... YUM! I had a french toast cupcake and I am hooked! Now I need to try Yum Yums, to do a proper taste test, you know!

Shooting Star said...

Great! Now I don't have to read The Hunchback and I won't even feel guilty about it b/c I know how it ends. :)

But seriously, I am so sorry about your car!

Diane said...

I have some rodent thingies commuting between my garage, the drain spout, and my back deck. Frankly, as long as they stay of the interior of my house, I don't care all that much, but my tenants and neighbors are a bit perturbed, and keep looking to me to find a way to kill them/trap them in a way that won't endanger my dogs, the birds living around the house, or allow them to die behind a wall where it will smell like the lower depths of hell . . .

But that sucks about the car!

And I was THIS close to buying Hunchback after your last post . . .

meno said...

Hmmmm, that puts me in the mood for Gyros.

I hate cars. I hate owning them, i hate driving them, i hate washing them, i hate paying for the fucking insurance for them, i hate putting gas into them, i hate getting them repaired.

Too bad i need one. :(

Lily said...

Well I must admit that's a good summary of Notre-Dame de Paris! I still love it!:)

You know, I got really scared reading your car story, that the garage man was going to say something along the lines of "Sorry Miss, we found your engine covered in a bloody and furry ratatouille looking like the sad remains of an un-identifiable rodden..."
But I see it's much worst...fuck all the stupid squirrels, why in the hell would they need to chew some plastic or whatever it is that keep cars working??

Leah said...

Thank goodness, now I don't have to read it. I was going to give it a valiant effort, but not now!

Pauline said...

Squirrels (and chipmunks, which built a nest on my engine last spring that caught on fire as I was driving) seek out warm, dark spots like the inside of a car hood. You should have left a cupcake for him on the doorstep as a bribe...or read a bit of the Hunchback to him and bored him to death ;)

Princess Extraordinaire said...

Argh! I am so sorry about your car - that sounds aaewful - and to think it was the lovely little rodents that ate through the ecable - ICK!

M-M-M-Mishy said...

You mean you didnt get your electrical system car repair badge in the girl scouts?

Seriously, this sucks. I would scrap the whole vehicle idea and get a horse and buggy. Although, with your luck, the buggy would be eaten by termites and your horse would get mange.

c3 said...

Try War and Peace. Not all the characters die in that one. And I am so sorry about your car!! What are the chances, seriously?

Princess in Galoshes said...

April- You must try Lovely Confections, too, I heard they just opened!

SS- Don't feel guilty, it was not worth the waste of time. (In my humble opinion.)

Diane- We found a trap called "Have a Heart" it's just a trap, no injuries or deaths, and then you get to remove the pesky rodent at least 5 miles away. The Funasarus was feeling kind, I was picturing a BB gun and a 24-hour garage watch....

Meno- You are singing my song.

Lily- Sadly, the squirrel is alive and kicking. And still somewhere near my house. grrrrr

Leah- I can summarize more for you tomorrow!

Pauline- Brilliant! I'm totally putting my copy of Hunchback under the car!

Princess Extra- Thanks. Rodents are so gross. Really, why do we need them?

Mishy- No kidding! Maybe I should go the Vespa route. Are there accessible wires under a Vespa?

C3- Right, seriously????

Brendan Charles Huffman said...

stupid-ass squirrels! Your car pipes probably don't even taste like nuts.

April said...

I tried Yum Yums (by 16th Street Mall) this weekend and I thought their cupcakes SUUUUCKED. Totally made out of a box and the frosting was like whipped cream. So far, Happy Cakes wins!

(And no, I have nothing better to do with my time than to taste test cupcakes all over Denver!)