Monday, February 25, 2008

Dear Thighs, Please Stop with All the Expanding

At some point I came across the realization that if I am headed to somewhere tropical for a week, perhaps I’d want to bring a swimsuit. Because my standard t-shirt and jeans attire is not going to cut it on the beach.

I have not gotten a new bathing suit since college. (read: 6+ years ago… at least.) That is because I would prefer to get a root canal than try on swimsuits in a department store with lots of young, waifish sales people there to see and judge.

In a desperate attempt at self-help and a nod to Global Warming (finally working in my favor, hello 60 degrees in February!) I decided to go for a jog yesterday morning, before taking the death-walk to the mall. (And by “walk” I mean “drive”. “In my new car, tra la.”) Because obviously jogging lightly for 25 minutes is going to negate an entire winter of sitting on the couch and alternating my diet between pizza and red meat. With, maybe, three total yoga classes thrown in the last four months for good measure.

Surprisingly, my jog did not delete my ever-expanding posterior.

And then the fluorescent lighting obliterated any last bit of self-esteem I might ever have had.

Sorry, baby, I used our travel insurance and we are now headed on a nice honeymoon to Antarctica where you can smooch me under my five layers of ski pants and a very poofy, fur-lined parka, and no one can tell how big anyone’s butt is, for all the layers of polypro.

Plus, penguins! Hooray!


Angela said...

And this is the reason I love winter. I hate the weather, but I do so love not having to worry about how I am going to camouflage the flab! However, I'm sure you will look absolutely fabulous on the beach, and either way, with enough fruity, tropical drinks in you, you will THINK you look fabulous! So it all works out in the end!

Diane said...

Hot tip - shop for bathing suits on Several friends and I have had good luck buying suits online from athleta.

I realized when I was in Yellowstone in January wearing a full length down jacket and eating catered food that if I lived in a cold weather climate, I'd permanently pack on an extra 20 lbs.

Lily said...

Oh my god! Summer is quickly heading our way! Bathing suit season! GAAAAH!
I know of only one swim-wear store who's got the thoughfulness to have dim lights in the changing room. The suits are out of price, but I still like to go there to nurse my poor, bruised self-esteem in between other stores.
I've bought the most darling little top a few weeks ago...trying on tops is the fun part.
I've yet to find the bottom to match...I'm kind of scared....why can't we wear snow pants to the beach???

c3 said...

Hello, I've seen you, and nobody is going to buy this for a minute. But, feel free to join me and TheFirm Master Instructors at 5:30 a.m. Guaranteed results in 10 workouts. (Notice how they don't actually define what the "results" will be.) Love you!

Ramblin' Red said...

Uhm - if your facebook pic is recent.....


If not, then I feel your pain, babe! :) This seasonal plumping only gets worse with skin that has borne children...ugh.


Mama P said...

Hi! Long time no talk. Have fun on your adventure- of suit shopping and your trip.

Melissa said...

I feel your pain. We now live like only 5-10 minutes walk from the beach. I am dreading putting on my swimsuit and sun bathing with all the apparently beautiful Israeli women. It's been quite a while since all those power yoga classes I took!

I'm sure you will look fabulous my dear! And like someone else said, a few fruity tropical drinks will do wonders for the self confidence!

Love ya'!

Princess in Galoshes said...

Angela- Yay for fruity drinks! Otherwise, I am a big fan of winter, myself, for that exact same reason.

Diane- Totally headed to check out athleta right now! Thanks.

Lily- Seriously, why don't ALL the swim wear stores tone down the lights??? It's not rocket science.

c3- Thanks, but cellulite can happen to anyone. And also, I can deal with it if the trade-off is 5:30 am. That's just crazy talk.

Red- Thanks, but you are not doing The Funasaurus any favors. (he think he might want kids, someday.)

Mama P- Thanks! Nice to see you!

Mel- Have you scoped out the beach, at least, yet????

Christie said...

I hear you! I refuse to buy a suit, I will wear a tankini top and boys swim trunks til the day I die. I've had 3 babies via c-section, NO ONE BUT NO ONE is seeing any skin except my husband and he only gets to see it in the dark. So I guess he gets to feel it, not touch it. Now that I think about it, I think that is just as bad.

Maggie said...

Man, this is me after 10 weeks of (um) running... :D