The Twelve Royal Days of Christmas, As Acted Out by My Cat….

On the first day of Christmas,
my Tatum fetched to me (whilst I slept):
A big branch from our Christmas tree.

On the second day of Christmas,
My Tatum fetched to me (whilst I slept):
Two hair bands,
And a big branch from our Christmas tree.

On the third day of Christmas,
My Tatum fetched to me (whilst I slept):
Three French fries (stale),
Two hair bands,
And a big branch from our Christmas tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
My Tatum fetched to me (whilst I slept):
Four plastic straws,
Three French fries (stale),
Two hair bands,
And a big branch from our Christmas tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas,
My Tatum fetched to me (whilst I slept):
Five col-lar staaaaays (for the Funasaurus’ suit),
Four plastic straws,
Three French fries (stale),
Two hair bands,
And a big branch from our Christmas tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas,
My Tatum fetched to me (whilst I slept):
Six pens a-leaking,
Five col-lar staaaaays (for the Funasaurus’ suit),
Four plastic straws,
Three French fries (stale),
Two hair bands,
And a big branch from our Christmas tree.

On the seventh day of Christmas,
My Tatum fetched to me (whilst I slept):
Seven mice a-decomposing,
Six pens a-leaking,
Five col-lar staaaaays (for the Funasaurus’ suit),
Four plastic straws,
Three French fries (stale),
Two hair bands,
And a big branch from our Christmas tree.

On the eighth day of Christmas,
My Tatum fetched to me (whilst I slept):
Eight pieces of tissue paper a-tearing,
Seven mice a-decomposing,
Six pens a-leaking,
Five col-lar staaaaays (for the Funasaurus’ suit),
Four plastic straws,
Three French fries (stale),
Two hair bands,
And a big branch from our Christmas tree.

On the ninth day of Christmas,
My Tatum fetched to me (whilst I slept):
Nine sample packets of lotion a-oozing,
Eight pieces of tissue paper a-tearing,
Seven mice a-decomposing,
Six pens a-leaking,
Five col-lar staaaaays (for the Funasaurus’ suit),
Four plastic straws,
Three French fries (stale),
Two hair bands,
And a big branch from our Christmas tree.

On the tenth day of Christmas,
My Tatum fetched to me (whilst I slept):
Ten tiny candy canes a-sticking,
Nine sample packets of lotion a-oozing,
Eight pieces of tissue paper a-tearing,
Seven mice a-decomposing,
Six pens a-leaking,
Five col-lar staaaaays (for the Funasaurus’ suit),
Four plastic straws,
Three French fries (stale),
Two hair bands,
And a big branch from our Christmas tree.

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
My Tatum fetched to me (whilst I slept):
Eleven inches of my fabric tape measure a-remaining,
Ten tiny candy canes a-sticking,
Nine sample packets of lotion a-oozing,
Eight pieces of tissue paper a-tearing,
Seven mice a-decomposing,
Six pens a-leaking,
Five col-lar staaaaays (for the Funasaurus’ suit),
Four plastic straws,
Three French fries (stale),
Two hair bands,
And a big branch from our Christmas tree.

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My Tatum fetched to me (whilst I slept):
Twelve pills for birth a-preventing,
Eleven inches of my fabric tape measure a-remaining,
Ten tiny candy canes a-sticking,
Nine sample packets of lotion a-oozing,
Eight pieces of tissue paper a-tearing,
Seven mice a-decomposing,
Six pens a-leaking,
Five col-lar staaaaays (for the Funasaurus’ suit),
Four plastic straws,
Three French fries (stale),
Two hair bands,
And a big branch from our Christmas tree.

Get in the holiday mood, y’all! Tatum so did bring us a piece of our new Christmas tree last night, around midnight. I heard this *whispwhispwhisp* sound in the hallway, and it woke me up, so I could tell Tatum had something in his mouth, but I couldn’t see what. (Usually I have no idea we are about to play fetch until it lands on my face.) I could tell he was proud of himself, though because his tail was all doi-oi-oi-oing! ramrod-straight, and he was trotting. Until he tried to get through the doorway, at which point it looked like he ran into an invisible wall, wherein his head stayed in about the same spot but his plump little hind legs kept walking, scrunching his little body up. There was a little feline confusion as I reached down and realized he had a sizeable stick of pine in his mouth that he had retrieved from the tree, and it had gotten caught on the doorframe. I didn’t even take it away from him, I was snickering so hard, and he was so bewildered. Now there is sap all over our carpet. But it was worth it, in Tatum-world. (Sung to the tune of Joy to the World): Joy to the tree, the feisty kitty has come. Let Earth, be prepeared for his evilness!

Man, this caroling stuff is eay.

Jingle Bells, litterbox smells?

Hark! The herald new-security-system rings,
Glory to, my newly protected bling-bling....

So many options!