Tuesday, November 20, 2007

The Toxic Life Is the Life for Me!

I went back to yoga last night, thinking I’d give it one more shot.

That was a dumb idea.

I thought I’d be o.k. when I saw a very pregnant lady waddle in and roll out her mat, right in front of mine. If she can do it with a second human stuck to her midsection, I could certainly chaturanga my way through one little hour, right?

Wrong. Wrongwrongwrongwrongwrong wrong.

I spent most of the evening lying prostrate to the vanilla scented candles in the corner, while ol’ preggers there eagled and dancer posed her way around me. I hated her, and her ridiculously limber unborn child.

I felt really ill afterwards, and my sister-in-law gaily announced, “Oh, that’s the toxins leaving your body! Yoga is great for that!”

Apparently, I am a very toxic woman, because I am still ill this morning. I spent the night alternating between shivering and having hot flashes. This morning I woke up and ache in every part of my body. I have done strenuous exercise before. (Believe me, those box wines don’t lift themselves into the refrigerator) But unlike having aching quads from skiing, or back pains from doing crunches improperly, yoga makes you feel like shit all over.

Not only do my quads and back hurt, but my eyelids feel like they are being torn off of my eyebrows, my wrists are as brittle as the leftover meringues I found in our cupboard leftover from last Christmas, and my elbows feel like I rubbed the cartilage right out of them.

Yoga is not for me!

You know what IS for me, though? Thanksgiving. Complete with home-made lumpy gravy, giblets, and extra wine. And eggnog. God, I love eggnog. Thus, I have decided to focus my energies on that, for the rest of the week.

Considering, though, that I have very little energy left after the third ring of hell yoga class I went to last night, my “energy” shall probably come from the couch. Where I shall alternate between glugging wine and eggnog, and giving drunken directions to my poor mother and sister-in-law’s boyfriend, who are probably going to be doing most of the cooking for the rest of us lazy slobs.



I would raise my glass to you, but it hurts. Note to self: invest in some wineglass-sized straws before T-day.


meno said...

In a pinch, you can just cut regular straws down to size. :)

I sometimes think of trying yoga, but then i think of my huge self i a room with a bunch of normals and i give it up.

Diane said...

Thanks for reminding me I need to pick up some more wine before the family arrives tomorrow, since I have already drank the wine I bought last weekend

Lily said...

Oh you poor girl!
Are you sure the Yoga is what's messing you up though? It could be you already had some nasty virus and it unfortunately came out on Yoga night.
I do Yoga sometimes, and it does nothing but good. Maybe try Tai Chi...

But you're right, today is not the time to think of excercises...
Yum...homemade cranberry sauce, honey-glazed carrots...turkey. You Americans are lucky, our Thanksgiving is long gone. No holidays this week...

Snark Scribe said...

"ridiculously limber unborn child."

Well, I always assumed babies were made of rubber.

Yoga Gal said...

You're just too cute! Yes, indeed, who's afraid of a few toxicans? One reason I do yoga is so I can enjoy rich foods and fine wines, (a comos now and then) and still be thin. So I lift up my champagne glass to you! Happy Turkey day!

v said...

Hilarious post, as usual.

Sorry to hear the yoga didn't work out? How's the jogging going?

And I bet you had a marvelous Turkey Day!

hamiam said...

while ol’ preggers there eagled and dancer posed her way around me. I hated her, and her ridiculously limber unborn child.

I too had this experience in a "prenatal" yoga (supposed to read: EASIER) class while BARELY pg with LMNOB and a woman whose baby's head practically hung between her thighs kicked my bootay at the class.

I like pilates. At home.

Ryan said...

I want to know how to make my eyelids hurt.

M-M-M-Mishy said...

Yoga is hardcore. You think its stretches and poses, but in reality its a step away from a new torture technique endorsed by the Bush Administration.

Christie said...

Jay and I did "Hot" yoga once. It was about 110 degrees in the room, and I sweated like a pig. But I swear I lost 10 pounds in that one class. I should head back to it for like 7 days. I wonder if I could lose 70 pounds in those 7 days?

Oh, Eggnog with vodka is my newest favorite drink. A couple of those and you won't feel a thing, I promise.

Mama P said...

Are you sure you're not knocked up?

Princess in Galoshes said...

Meno- I did cut down some straws, actually!

Diane- I hope you had enough wine??

Lily- I am so sad for you that you did not have Thanksgiving. Next year, you are invited to my house. Seriously.

Snark Scribe- Well, that would explain a lot.

Yoga Gal- You're a stronger woman than I. But I will always drink with you, if you're having champagne! Cheers.

V- Jogging? HA!

Ham- I am impressed you do pilates at home. I cannot do anything but sit in front of the TV and pick my nose, when I'm at home.

Ryan- Go to hot yoga.

Mishy- I KNEW it! That makes so much sense....

Christie- Hook a sister up! With the alcoholic eggnog, I mean, not so much the sweating and yoga-ing.

Mama P- Why would you say that? You're scaring me.