Friday, May 18, 2007

Running on Empty

Since “sausuage coming out of pressurized can” is not exactly the image I want people to associate with me in my wedding dress, I took my fitting as a wake-up call and have begun jogging again. Which I hate. If you do not know how much I hate it, go here. That is how much.

So this morning I got up with the alarm, The Funasaurus was kind enough to shut it off and grab my pillow from me, before turning over and going back to sleep, so I begrudgingly got ready and got out the door. I've been telling myself it's o.k. to go slow, that I don't need to break any personal records in time or distance just yet, that I need to be realistic to sustain this. But I was feeling pretty good, and putting along at what felt like a good rate, when I saw a shadow behind me. Now, the sun was just coming up, so the shadow, I knew, would be long. However it still took it about .0002 seconds to grow taller than my shadow, and then this lovely woman comes speeding past me like a Ferrari on an open course. I am horrified- she was not even out of breath, all, “Good morning!”-ing me as she raced by as though I was standing still. But as she ran ahead of me, I noticed she had one of those zero-fat bodies, and extremely muscular legs, underneath an expensive-looking sweat-removing-type runner outfit thing-y. No wonder her “jog” was as fast as a sprint. I imagine she's an Olymipic athlete, probably.

So I don't feel bad until the older, larger woman in grey sweatpants and a dingy t-shirt comes flying past, all, “Good Morning!” me as well. She was barely speed-walking, and she lapped me like a racehorse.

At that point I began to think that perhaps I should upgrade my visor to a fucking paper bag so that I am utterly unrecognizable in my apparently track-and-field-happy neighborhood.

Fortunately someone's sprinklers were on, on my way home, so I ran through them, screwthegrass, the water felt good, and for a split second I was tempted to try out an old slipe-and-slide move on their perfectly manicured lawn. I decided against it, (mostly due to the shuddering in my kneecaps) but even just considering the deviant maneuver made me feel a bit better.

Of course, I've also been having jaw issues, as in waking up with a very sore jaw, and eventually The Funasaurus had commented that perhaps it was due to the fact that I am “clanging” my teeth at night (apparently not just grinding, but clanging) so I have also recently invested in a mouth guard to sleep in. Which, you know, has done wonders for my self-image as well.

T.G.I.F.

Love,
The Epitome of Cool Herself,
P.i.G.

10 comments:

Lilycurly said...

Oh God, I feel your pain!

I've given up on jogging though....read in a few books that it's a good excercise for some people (mainly those with the O blood group, I think (or is it B?)

Anyway, being in the A+ blood group, walking fast or stuff like Yoga is apparently better fitted to our system.
Anything more intense will just leave us completly emptied. And it's harder to keep up the good resolutions.

I have no idea what blood type you are, but if you feel that jogging is just putting you down, try the walk, so much more fun, and it really does recharge the batteries instead of draining them.

hamiam said...

I feel the weight burden too.

I've not got a wedding coming up, but feel all "Holy hell, I've gotten freaking fat" about myself.

I fell in love with running a couple years back, and the affair lasted about a year. The spark is gone though, and I've no earthly idea how to get it back - evidenced by my triple bump physique.

Good luck!

M-M-M-Mishy said...

This one woman I work with is over 50 and she keeps telling me that she'll help me train for a marathon. Uh, no thanks! I don't run. Ever. I'm 24 years old and she's 100% more in shape than I am. Don't feel bad. You'd probably still lap me!

Lilycurly: Really? I'm going to look up what exercise is best suited to my blood type.

~Crosses her fingers and hopes to hell it isn't jogging!~

Diane said...

Hey, I recently ran a 5k - for which I had done no training - and I did "run" the whole thing - 38:15 - yep, so slow I was barely faster than a walk . . .

meno said...

I used to run, or more appropriately, shuffle. I gave it up because i hated it. Now i have a stationary recumbent bike so i can read trashy novels while i exercise. Whoo hoo!

patches said...

I've seen those women you mentioned, They are the reason I gave up jogging and wheezing. Wait a minute I gave it it because I can't do two things at once.

v said...

I'm dealing with a little weight/fat/belly issue of my own so I feel your pain. Everyone's body and metabolism is a bit different but from my experience eating well (limiting fat and calories) is just as important as the exercising.

Glad to hear you're back on the jogging wagon. Though if that's a little too un-princessy, there's always yoga as your earlier post mentions.

Anyway, here's your pep talk: You're a trooper! We're all in this together! Do it for Tatum!

Pauline said...

lol. How full are the seams on that wedding dress?

Angela said...

Oh man, at your pace it sounds like we would be AWESOME running partners! I'm constantly getting "good morning"-ing-ed by the totally in shape, Olympic Athletes of my neighborhood, but I try not to let it bother me, because hey, I'm out there too and that's better than the rest of the neighborhood that isn't out there passing me by!

Mama P said...

I am going to start walking today. It's rough. I applaud you for jogging. You are a braver woman than I am.