Running on Empty

Since “sausuage coming out of pressurized can” is not exactly the image I want people to associate with me in my wedding dress, I took my fitting as a wake-up call and have begun jogging again. Which I hate. If you do not know how much I hate it, go here. That is how much.

So this morning I got up with the alarm, The Funasaurus was kind enough to shut it off and grab my pillow from me, before turning over and going back to sleep, so I begrudgingly got ready and got out the door. I've been telling myself it's o.k. to go slow, that I don't need to break any personal records in time or distance just yet, that I need to be realistic to sustain this. But I was feeling pretty good, and putting along at what felt like a good rate, when I saw a shadow behind me. Now, the sun was just coming up, so the shadow, I knew, would be long. However it still took it about .0002 seconds to grow taller than my shadow, and then this lovely woman comes speeding past me like a Ferrari on an open course. I am horrified- she was not even out of breath, all, “Good morning!”-ing me as she raced by as though I was standing still. But as she ran ahead of me, I noticed she had one of those zero-fat bodies, and extremely muscular legs, underneath an expensive-looking sweat-removing-type runner outfit thing-y. No wonder her “jog” was as fast as a sprint. I imagine she's an Olymipic athlete, probably.

So I don't feel bad until the older, larger woman in grey sweatpants and a dingy t-shirt comes flying past, all, “Good Morning!” me as well. She was barely speed-walking, and she lapped me like a racehorse.

At that point I began to think that perhaps I should upgrade my visor to a fucking paper bag so that I am utterly unrecognizable in my apparently track-and-field-happy neighborhood.

Fortunately someone's sprinklers were on, on my way home, so I ran through them, screwthegrass, the water felt good, and for a split second I was tempted to try out an old slipe-and-slide move on their perfectly manicured lawn. I decided against it, (mostly due to the shuddering in my kneecaps) but even just considering the deviant maneuver made me feel a bit better.

Of course, I've also been having jaw issues, as in waking up with a very sore jaw, and eventually The Funasaurus had commented that perhaps it was due to the fact that I am “clanging” my teeth at night (apparently not just grinding, but clanging) so I have also recently invested in a mouth guard to sleep in. Which, you know, has done wonders for my self-image as well.

T.G.I.F.

Love,
The Epitome of Cool Herself,
P.i.G.